General Board
Mind if I chime in a bit late?
Posted By: Kris (205.188.197.151)
Date: Sunday, 3 June 2001, at 2:03 a.m.In Response To: Dear "Ladies of the Board" (Sunny...... but feeling cloudy)
I am the one on this board who talks like she knows it all, and I alienate people right and left....mostly left....but I digest. I mention the above because I will be speaking strongly and may hurt your feelings and may sound like a bitch...but it really is only passion.
End of disclaimer.
Okay - here's how I see it. It's about power. Your own personal power. If you recognize the power you have as a woman, then you will not attract the kind of man who will attempt to "make" you feel one way or the other. I put that word in quotes, because the thought of someone having enough power over me to "make" my feelings be this way or that is appalling to me. When we allow our feelings about ANYTHING, let alone our very selves, be adjudicated by someone else, we are giving them power over us, and that is the beginning of the loss of self.
Self-esteem, therefore, is about maintaining your own personal power. As I see it, it is the confidence that your every life decision is footed personal truth. It is inner strength and calm. It is a deep breath and an "I am here, you may adore me" smile. Yet, it is humility and love for others. It is peace, walking your daily path unconcerned about any opinion other than your own, aware that your power lies in your own hands, ready to be shared but never relinquished. It is giving without expecting. It is loving without strings. It is loving yourself...and your neighbor...with equal passion.
I understand completely how easy it is not to believe the positive messages you hear from those with whom you are in relationship. I suppose that when you are NOT in relationship you don't believe them either, so really it isn't much different. You are not sure of your worth, and thus you doubt the relationship and the kindnesses. But think of this: Are you allowing your worth to depend upon the input of others? Are you behaving this way or that in order to gain approval, and is that approval the axis upon which your world spins?
These are hard questions, and I do not direct them personally, Sunny. Not at all. They are more rhetorical in flavor, directed at the general discussion, but sounding personal. It is difficult for me to make my points any other way. Sorry !
You ask how those of us who appear to have such self esteem GOT this way. I cannot speak for anyone else, but for me it happened gradually. I used to consider myself grotesque, a monster, hideous of countenance. One day, I discovered a spiritual path which taught me differently. I learned that I was a treasure, not a garage sale find. I learned that it was the person I am, not the vessel which contains me, that has value. I started to look at my character, my choices, my beliefs, my motivations...I realized that I had spent a lifetime seeking enough positive strokes to make me "somebody", and I had wasted so many years avoiding the reality that I already was.
Part of it, I think, is being able to appreciate yourself as an entity standing alone. Being OK without a significant other. Looking in the mirror and smiling instead of making a sour face. Not because the physical is appealing, but because you see the eyes of love, the smile of friendship, the relaxed expression of complete acceptance.
There was that horrible line in Jerry McGuire: "You complete me." I detest that notion. That it would take another human being to make me a complete person is anathema. I am complete as I stand. It is with joy that I accept someone into my completeness, to augment and hone and shine. But to think that I am incomplete without that other soul is simply a lie we are told.
A relationship does not exist to make one feel "At last I am enough." A relationship exists because the two together are twice enough !
Curious that you correlate self-esteem with sexuality. Some have found (myself included, years ago) that excessive sexuality (and I know there are various definitions of "excessive") doesn't define or demonstrate self-esteem, but more the contrary. Many argue that point with me regularly, but I maintain my firm if somewhat bullet-ridden stance that being uninhibited and "free" is not good for the inner self.
I tend to go on and on like this, and I apologize. I am sure I have made my point more than ten times already, but for some reason (perhaps the fact that I am finally finding time - in the W/C no less - for leisure reading, and thus have opened the vault of words I locked up some months ago) I am unable to stop writing !!!
I hope I have made some sense, and while you and many others will no doubt disagree, I feel better for having said my piece.
All the best, dear Sunny. You are a treasure !
Kris