General Board
Y'all don't know how to REALLY fight!
Posted By: *tink* <isytkiybbfb@yahoo.com> (216.161.77.223)
Date: Thursday, 17 May 2001, at 7:11 p.m.You guys are just amateurs! The real fight was at my house and all of you missed it, so stop whining and I'll tell you the tale!
Background: Doc orders meds to be followed by bloodwork. Bloodwork postponed while waiting for insurance. Doc orders more meds. Bloodwork penciled in. Child disobeys and changes dosage behind my back, making any labwork invalid, so bloodwork has to wait until another week passes. Bloodwork has to be done on a certain day before meds run out.
The pre-fight: Child is determined to wear a sweater with nothing under it. The weather will be hot and sunny and a bare elbow is needed for bloodwork. Explaining and demanding fail. Choosing shirts fails. Threatening is commenced. "I won't help you with your socks until you put the t-shirt on." "I'll take you half naked if I have to." "We have to leave in 4 minutes and there is no way we can reschedule this bloodwork for another 2 weeks when the doc wanted it 3 weeks ago." "Time is up. DO IT NOW!!!" My only option is nakedness or wrestling the sweater off and a shirt on. Wrestling the sweater also means wrestling him out the door and to the car in a distant parking lot. He's as tall as my nose and strong and big (Maybe 140 I'd guess). I can no longer carry or drag him. "We can do this the hard way or the easy way. I AM THE MOM AND I WILL WIN. You know that."
The fight commences: I leave the room and return with good scissors, my only option to eliminate wrestling. I cut the perfectly good sweater from the back of the collar to the waist and easily peel it off his arms. He's too shocked to even fight me over putting the t-shirt on.
Transition: He loudy complains of everything in the world while in the waiting room, including the decor and the time, throws magazines and magnets, which I round up and make him put back. He ignores staff that speak nicely to him and tries loudly to convince me that anyone who isn't dying shouldn't be taking medicine...despite the fact he takes it twice a day everyday without complaining. Will he calm down or escalate? Dunno yet, but at least we're there...The nurse calls him and we follow her.
The fight resumes: Child hangs onto doorsill...Talking is totally ineffective. 4 of us fight him loose, fight him into the room, fight him onto the table, and hold him down for blood to be drawn. He grabs the tourniquet. She gets another. He threatens to bite me. I tell him to "go ahead, but I'm not letting go". We play musical nurses to access the other arm. He threatens to bite me again. I ignore it. Blood draw was painless to him. She fixes cottonball and bandaid (taken from her sleeve so it'll come off easily later). We release him and he immediately pulls off bandaid. Blood is dripping everywhere. We restrain him again so she can bandaid AND wrap the elbow this time. Luckily he walks on his own as I nudge him out of there. "I am not a happy mom," the people in the waiting room overhear. I don't care. Dead silence from him.
Now for meds and breakfast: He adamently refuses the meds that would change his mood and also allow him to go to school today. I let him stand outside the car (hoping he'll take them if I ignore him) while I start the a/c, listen to music, and drink some soda. When the soda is gone, I give up. He's stubborn enough to stand there the rest of the day. (Experience talking here.) I let him into the car. I know forcing meds into his mouth is hopeless, so I throw the meds on the floor in the car in utter frustration and then, to ensure he notices my extreme displeasure, I throw his poptarts (that I lovingly remembered to bring) out the window. I NEVER LITTER!!! Now he KNOWS I've had enough. I swat him once on the thigh with my hand, which means he's crossed the line with me.
The ride home: Silence until my final 2 mile tirade. "You're grounded to your bed!" When he get home, he goes straight to his bed without a problem. (He is used to that routine.) I realize he still hasn't eaten anything and throw a sack of bread and a bottle of water into his room, feeling like I've taken a prisoner. He sleeps and when he wakes up, it's as if nothing had ever happened. He's cooperative, talking to me again, essentially normal. Tantrum is over. I'm exhausted. Even the mildest mannered person going has their limits and a cut sweater is a small price to pay for peace.
My son isn't just autistic, he's ADHD and oppositional/defiant, as well. I have physically removed him for tantrums in skating rinks, movies, IMAX, restaurants, cub scouts sign up, school carnivals, friend's homes, etc.
I come into Abby to get relief from my own world and my own mind...learn a little...play a little... And, here you guys are squabbling about shit and going round and round about who does what to who and who said what and who belongs here and who doesn't. It absolutely shames me to have even given this link to someone this week who needs BBW support and know she's seeing all this 2 year old crap. I already deal with an 11 year old who acts like a 2 year old. Those tantrums get really old for me. I don't like to see it here and I don't like to be a part of such things. Life is too short.
I stay out of every heated debate here because I've been around enough fighting already to last me a lifetime, but this time I'm gonna put my 2 cents in.
It seems that everytime I turn around there's a whole group of folks crashing down hard on Mendi's head when she's asked for advice. If I asked the same advice, you know in your hearts you wouldn't treat me that way. And, if you did, I'd be gone in a hearbeat. You might tell me the same things, but I doubt it would have the same anger behind it because most of you know my heart and how sensitive I am to criticism. I don't ask for as much advice because I can't handle as much advice. Mendi's heart confuses a lot of people, but her heart is just as sensitive. She just bounces back when I give up. I've gotta admire that Mendi keeps trying. I wouldn't. She wants the respect of leading a wholesome life because she has a good heart, and she wants your respect because you people are important to her and obviously from her hurt, she values your opinions. But she's too drawn in by the attentions from a life that gives her what we can't, to tear totally away from it cold turkey. She can't seem to live in one world or the other consistently right now. So what?!? It makes her LOOK hypocritical, but I don't think that's the case. I think it's more that she's consciously making efforts to figure out and to become more of the person she wants to be. She gets positive strokes in the unhealthy world and negative strokes in the healthy one. You can't blame a dog who's kicked repeatedly for finally becoming a biter or wanting to run away to "feel-good" places. Doesn't mean the bite will hurt any less. Just means you are able to understand it more and make an effort to reverse those longtime wounds.
Calling names is always wrong, but so is crashing down on folks. Any of us pushed to our limits will explode. I've only asked my son twice if he was "sent here on a mission to make my life a living hell and push me over the edge". Today was one of them. Finding your way in life is hard and there are no easy answers. Honestly, there are no right answers and none of us know that we wouldn't do exactly the same thing if put in exactly the same situation. I don't wanna be in Mendi's or Mindy's shoes...or anyone else's who got their feelings hurt.I've got enough problems of my own to concentrate on in life. But it's gotta stop and we've gotta get over it and learn to rise above this type of thing. Sometimes in life, shit just happens and all you can say is "sorry" and that you'll try to make tomorrow better than today and try to respect each other. That's all any of us can offer each other any day of the week. Will it be perfect? NO. Does that mean we shouldn't try anyway? NO Is it all about Mendi? NO. It's about all of us learning who we are and who we want to be and who we can look in the mirror when we wake up the next day. That growth is never linear, but hopefully for each of us it's pointed in a positive direction. Disagreeing here is one thing, but take your fights to email and then block each other's addresses and get on with what's really important in life. This is Mindy's board and whatever her gut tells her to do in any given situation is fine by me. That just means I don't have to do it. I get tired of having to "rule the world" and "think for everyone" and it's nice to go someplace that I don't have to.
I AM THE MOM AND I ALWAYS WIN.
I'M FIRM BUT FAIR.
NOT EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE.
USE A QUIET INDOOR VOICE.
WE CAN DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR THE HARD WAY.
HERE ARE YOUR OPTIONS: PLAY NICE OR GO TO YOUR ROOM.
YOU WANNA BE GROUNDED?
I LOVE YOU AND I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE ANGRY, BUT PLEASE DON'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN. I DON'T DESERVE IT.
I'M THE ONLY MOM YOU'VE GOT AND YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH ME.I'm the most immature personality on the board, so perhaps I'm closer to remembering kindergarten lessons best, but I was taught that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Perhaps an adult version is: disagree, but don't disrespect. Otherwise, I'll have to get my scissors back out and cut your sweaters. And, you KNOW I'LL DO IT!!! LOL