General Board

The Book of Revelations **PART 1 and 2**

Posted By: StarFire <mailto:StarFire@herspace.com?subject=The Book of Revelations **PART 1**> (205.188.199.44)
Date: Thursday, 5 April 2001, at 3:27 p.m.

Wait, wait! Don’t run away! This is not actually going to be a book, per se. I just thought it was a good way to get your attention (whoever you are). Besides, there’s always the matter that some posts like this could be - well - booklets, if not books. ; ) And it’s safe to say this will be one such effort. Big time. So, as is my usual devilish custom *this* that you are reading now is Part 1, which if I can help it will be followed by Part 2. Which means you have plenty of time out for a tea break or such.

There. Now that I got that out of the way…:)

Hello to everyone. I hope all of you are doing well in your respective lives. I read your stuff, y’ know. Even when I can’t be around. So much of it is good stuff, too. Really, really good. And I’m going to talk about that, after I say a bit about why I haven’t been able to be about lately. Because I’ve received a couple of emails asking my whereabouts. And why my long absences. And then yeah, all in all this is kind of going to be a little book of revelations. So, if you’re game stick with this.

I suppose maybe I can start by saying I think lots of people don’t believe one can be either an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert. I’m not sure which I really am, but I can say such persons do exist, and I am one of them. Perhaps I’m one of each, depending on the situation. In those one on one - well, the more I know persons - I can feel very free to be a very "open" person. In others more group oriented, depending on the circumstance while most people would consider me friendly, I’m not one to "tell the world" my personal challenges.

But, that’s changing. Someone recently suggested to me, perhaps my own somewhat of an unveiling of at least certain things might be of some help to others in some way or other. With that in mind, here we go.

Some of you have known I had to deal with certain health challenges several years ago. And all of that more or less worked out fine. For others who don’t, in particular it was a breast lump, the size of a golf ball that showed up literally overnight and seemingly out of nowhere. Or so I thought. When this all happened, it so startled me, I just decided it was not going to be serious. And really did do some heavy duty visualization, between the time I saw my doctor and the five days that passed before a breast biopsy. The results were good. No one knew how it happened, but by the day of the biopsy the very real lump had almost completely disappeared.

(I cannot advocate strongly enough stress reduction techniques and/or visualization. I once confounded doctors who were performing a cat scan on me, quite some time ago. Trying to take a read on my body’s life signs, they finally had to stop the test to see if I was still breathing, I’d slowed my breath that much. But I did it because I had such a fear of being enclosed in that, that *thing*! -grin-)

Anyway, with regard to the lump, the doctors asked if I’d had any recent trauma to the chest area. And I told them truthfully, there had been none. I joked about it all possibly being due to the abductions, which gave everyone a moment’s pause (I like to do that, when I can get away with it), and then it was followed by a hearty laugh. I told them also, that actually when I was just a little girl, I’d had a severe blow to the chest by a heavy wrought iron object twice my size crashing right into it. But they said this couldn’t have been the cause.

Weeks later when discussing all of this with a health facilitator whom I trust, we talked about that and what else had gone on at the time. It hadn’t been a very pleasant emotional time; in fact I was able to remember very vividly. She asked if I’d been having any emotional circumstances current but similar, just prior to the lump appearing. And after that I became quite enlightened about the nurturing we as women are not given, and how that just might show up in one or both breasts. Or in other of are private areas. Yet the same is true for men and their concerns.

I’m not going to get into the many reasons for breast cancer; what I can say is continuing research keeps pointing to emotional factors taking precedence over most health challenges, despite any other factors.

At the time this all happened, I was well aware I had already been in an internal mode for several years. When it began, that’s the least thing I thought might happen, and I had no idea how long that period would last.

It’s said, by those who put power in numerical cycle, one cycle takes nine years. I believe that is absolutely true. The greater cycle of each person’s life (of course there are many shorter cycles within that larger one). I can’t explain, here, everything that’s led up to an increasingly internal cycle, because that would take too much time to write, and too much time for anyone to read. And I’m plannin’ on writing enough already!:)

I thought, I could have sworn after that life altering event, mine would soon be over. I just had no clue I hadn’t yet reached bottom.

Little things kept creeping up health-wise after the breast lump appeared, so I tended not to pay them great mind. In October of last year, I hit bottom. During one day, before the first set of diagnosis, I wasn’t sure if I was having a heart attack, pain from an organ filled with cancer, or what. I was scared to death as I went in to see a new doctor who sent me straight to the hospital. Luckily it was *only* a quite serious set of ulcers. And doctors now know that is caused not by what we’ve all thought but by a virus. So I began treatment immediately.

But over the months I and my doctor started a series of tests. (I’m not the best at this because I don’t favor regular - western - doctors, and especially the hospital system, so it’s been slow going.) From the start, she knew - and so did I, I kept falling prey to so many things - something wasn’t right. To date, the good news is that I’m not dying. The good news is that I don’t have cancer, AIDS, lupus or some of the more maddening and devastating auto-immune diseases. The bad news is that my and other doctors know it is a serious auto-immune problem. So far, we know I have Epstein-Barr, thankfully dormant for right now. But I’ve had life threatening mono three times, and critical pneumonia four times. I have fybromyalgia with periods of great pain almost anywhere, and chronic fatigue, no matter the nutrition, movement, or holistic supplements. I get good days where I just want to go and go and go. This, I think, because I’m just so grateful to have those days. (I am used to being able to be this way all the time.) And I have all sorts of other things that just go wrong.

Unfortunately, I haven’t yet learned to not overdo it. And when I do, my "good day" activity can set me back weeks. All of this has affected my blood, my skeletal structure, even my teeth (no, I’m not toothless, though, folks - but I could have been). To make matters worse a final diagnosis seems to keep eluding all of us. So it seems as if the process will be long. Sometimes I just want to run back to the Caribbean Sea or a night under desert skies. Two environment types closest to my heart.

As a rule I’ve not been into self-pity in my life, but these circumstances have made it most challenging for me to retain my normal nature. There’s only been one thing that’s helped that, and that I’ll get to a bit later.

Another thing I can say about all of this, to all of you (who might have concerns about yourselves or loved ones), is *pay attention* to what your life is telling you. I made a joke, the other day, with a friend of mine. And I said too many people think we metaphysical types, especially those who counsel or do healing work with others, have solved all our life’s problems. We are devoid of issues, personal or otherwise, we’ve "cleaned up our act" - all of it. When nothing could be farther from the truth. We have intimate relationships issues, friendship issues, family issues, health issues, and yes, career issues - not to mention those spiritual. I believe all healers of any type are "asked" to be in a constant state of self healing. And that’s something I just wasn’t paying attention to. I thought I couldn’t bare to pay attention more.

And in the meantime, health, family, and all of those other issues just kept rearing their heads more and more.

In any case, I’m lucky because all of this very seldom keeps me from the work I do, primarily, and I’m self employed. Also I have three major projects - however slow they are going - that I am trying to carry out. But my energy is greatly limited, in comparison to just five years ago. I can say sometimes I "don’t recognize myself." And much as I sometimes feel almost compelled to contribute to this or other web areas, I just don’t have it in me. I just don’t.

And that’s one of the reasons why, then, you all don’t "see" me around, often. It’s not important how many might care or not. Just one of the major reasons…there is a second less major and another just as major. First, though, I wanted to get into what I’ve been observing in the online SA world.
…

Some of what I’ll say, I’ve said before. But I wish I could say, personally, to so many, how very proud I am of them for what they write. That within a system they came to for "safety," they are being brave enough to stand up and speak out. If I should mention names, here, and not some others who truly feel they fit in the category of which I speak, please accept my apology at the start. I mean in no way to ignore certain individuals.

God, there is so *very much* talent within this community. I sometimes wonder how certain persons cannot find a way to see just what each of those individuals’ contributions could be, long term. But that has to do with certain factors.

By the way, this post is being made at both Dimensions and Abundance, because when I get a chance to post in online SA, these, generally are the places I do. So, I’ll be mentioning some persons from one place, and some from another. (Although I do realize some are active at both sites.) So a special hi to those I know most at each site.

Redster just sort of stands on her own. A genius, and a most gifted individual in many, many areas, it would seem. And rarely seeming to tire of giving a thorough, informative, yet as fair as possible answer to someone who needs it. Cat I’ve already spoken of before. She is one person whose display of the body either unclothed, lightly clothed, or fully clothed is simply art. She knows this, others have told her so - and invited her to present her art - but some still do not know or ‘see’ this. So, I feel it important to mention that again. Additionally she is a woman who speaks her mind. And it seems to me her mind is quite, quite good. Sweater Girl, Michelle, Carol Hiller don’t make frequent web board appearances, either, but their contributions are always sound and supportive. And none of these women are afraid to speak their minds either. Jade and Rosie are two others who come to mind.

I can still recall a not-too-long ago WLS discussion. All of the women participating had so much imortant to say, and said it very well, wherever they discussed it.

Vickie and Tina have proven their worth as contributors of much, over and over again. And I can say, and did say to Tina, personally, how very nice out of what seemed a vicious split of thinking, a bridge was created to understanding and online friendship. Vickie, along with her husband Burt, just boggle my mind with the knowledge they make available to anyone who asks.

I will note, again, Mindy and Glen Sommers have proven something also - as a team, and individually. They have created someting valid, important and which has staying power. Even as they themselves are not yet aware of their site’s full potential, it is evident the amount of genuine care that has gone into it. Mindy has proven herself not to be just an astounding craftswoman at words, she is literally blossoming as a graphics artist. In addition to her fine work with BBW, the magazine, and her designer label clothing site. Glen - and Glen, if you’re reading this, I’m going to tease you a little - has proven himself to be one of the most persuasive writers, when he directs his attention as intently as he did recently. When all matter of question came up on the NAAFA board. It was a wonderful post, Glen. Most articulate, and all of it true.

Other women at the Abundance site - Pat, Barbie, Kris, many whose names I cannot think of, directly - have shown themselves to be not only just as articulate, but caring and passionate in their concern. And I will differ with anyone who still thinks it’s just a matter of a click. It just doesn’t seem so to me. (I not only usually run the other direction as quickly as I can, the moment I sniff that this is the case, anywhere, I make it a point to stay away forever. Because I "just don’t have time" for that sort of thing.)

And I’ve recently noticed other women of similar quality on NAAFA’s site.

Two women that I really feel need - well - special praise are Tracy (R?) and the person who has sometimes written, herself, under varying names, but whom we all know to be Victoria. They are to be applauded - I mean that - for starting their own site with regard to the issues not only they face but so many others in SA do. Because these women have *really* not been "protected" under the umbrella of size acceptance. Not at all. I have read as many posts by them as I’ve been able. And to me, they are some of the most courageous women in Size Acceptance I have come across. If either of you should be happening to read this, and for what it’s worth, I am so very, very, *very* proud of both of you.

I’m always thankful for my closest friendships which I have formed through Size Acceptance. But I know they are persons that need and would ask for no mention. Yet I think of them often.

To some it might seem, at this point, I’ve made no mention of any of the men escept for Glen Sommers. But there are men, who I think deserve mention, also. Those who come to mind are Brian, Blue Knight, Pete, Paul, David, Tad, and though not seen for many a moon, SFA. I’ve read some of Mike’s stuff, too. Steve I will bring up, because when he, also, sticks to what’s important has some very valid ideas to convey. And then, of course there’s Russel. Whom I admit I don’t understand often. But his recent post referring to statements he made in his locale was truly superb.

There must be so many I am forgetting. But in mentioning those I have, to me this is just a sampling of *all* the available talent to take Size Acceptance forward.

Yet, at the risk of being pounced upon as one who has little good to say about it - though that is hardly the case, I just don’t feel a need to prove myself when I know my offline activities - I still have to say it seems to be moving at its ever famous snail’s pace. Not in some of the more individual communities, mind you. Great evidence in those areas that people are trying to do what they can online and off. Some are doing it wonderfully. And they too are to be applauded because of their inclusiveness especially with regard to so many issues within the realm of Size Acceptance.

To all of you, y’ warm the cockles of m’ heart. So on, then, to other observations.

…

It is beyond me, now, to understand the ongoing issues with regard to NAAFA. Beyond me, completely. Having followed, recently, several of the debates on its board and others but surrounding NAAFA, and having said here, more or less, folks, I’m *human,* I’ve scratched my head, shaken it, thrown my hands up when doing some of the reading. And I’ve wanted desperately to, come close to letting myself sink low enough to come here, go there, or elsewhere and scream my head off. And I do mean "scream." But I can’t do that, for so many reasons. Still. What is beyond me is this. There seems to sit on the NAAFA Board (at least I glean this from those with which I’ve become familiar due to NAAFA’s discussion board), individuals who for all purposes are intelligent, articulate, and caring, themselves. Passionate as well. And passion is a good thing - it is what drives anything and any person onward toward achievement. Yet time after time, despite Conrad Blickenstorfer taking personal time to assist in any way he can, so that this organization can finally move into the current millennium, what most - and I do mean most - of us find, is a hard line, hard hand dealing with those who need their help most.

I don’t understand it. I don’t. Not on the rational level. The intuitive level is a different matter altogether. And soon enough in this post, I’m going to be speaking strictly from that perspective, so what better way to transition than by making my point with regard to NAAFA from the standpoint of my intuition. But I’m gonna be tough on the organization. Well, no…on the people who run the show. And I’m willing to go out on a limb and put my money on my intuitive speech.

As long as the following continues to exist, NAAFA and Size Acceptance the way most of us would like to see both take hold, will never "happen." It - will - never - happen. Never. Not in the mainstream. Not by the millions. Never.

And a side note, here. If anyone thinks I’m doing a bit of braggadocio here, so be it. I still have tapes of radio shows I’ve done, and other kinds, during which I’d given personal to local to global prediction. I am, it has been said often, a sharp shooter shooting, when it comes to this stuff. Do I make "mistakes?" Depends. I tell everyone with whom I interact in this capacity little is set in stone. But actions need to be taken to change what I and others like me might see. And if they’re not, it’s a good bet, a really good bet, what I see comes to pass. (In fact, I am particularly fond of the tape we did, first, pre election and then - the day of his inauguration - with regard to the US and the world under the last president, and another with regard to pyramids and such archaeologists swore were not there - they were - down to the detailed location ‘seen.’ And others similar.)

Without being specific, I think this will be understood by those most concerned. The ongoing conflicts of interests within Size Acceptance need to be addressed. And changed. If unable to be changed than be removed. Or strongly separated might be a better concept with regard to the latter. They are no less ones than others that arise even in the political realm. They belong to no one individual. But there are some major players. If indeed we do want Size Acceptance to become a global reality, we cannot continue to allow the "speaks with forked tongue" to continue. That goes for not just words of certain types of FAs AND certain types of BBWs but "products," "services." Do those who offer them have a right to keep them in existence? To profit by them? Absolutely. It is up to them to decide for themselves if how they make money is a completely honorable form to do so. Are any of them being major players in Size Acceptance helping it? Where it counts, no. They are seriously compromising its advancement. And few will talk about it. Out of so many (although unrealistic) fears. But it is a poison to the whole cause of Size Acceptance. The strongest words I’ve ever made with regard to this.

Yet when I look at what seems to be continually going down, in the face of repeated broken promises toward advancement, it becomes impossible to remain still.

And then, there’s the matter of a once truly honorable ideal, having been twisted into its current reality. And nobody is really talking about why, either. They’re talking, all right. Sometime having to scream at the tops of their lungs, just to be heard. But no one - no one - is addressing what just might be the core of the problem. Which those most responsible have been trying to cover for far too long.

What we have done wrong, as a collective, for too long now, is often carry on as if we needed to step across eggs as we each wove our way through these online forums. At least with regard to certain matters. After all, this was supposed to be safe space for us. And who were we, anyway, with our own "weight problems" or our love for those who have them, to speak up. Against people and policies which are *not* an organization’s but those of the individuals running it, though they would have you believe *you* and your apparently sorry lack of self esteem and miserable lives are the problem. I almost could not believe the audacity of the writer. Although I shouldn’t have been surprised; this insensitive, pretentious and pompous self aggrandizement seems to have become the order of the day.

So, I’ll continue the straight talk, myself. Cutting to some persons’ eyes, I imagine. But it’s time to get on with it.

I’ll not repeat the already eloquently written words by so many, that have told us, that’s right it’s more than okay to be fat, large, plus size - whatever floats one’s boat in terminology - to a point. To - a - point. That it’s more than okay there are those who like ‘em big. And that it’s okay that bigger is better to some of those persons. That it’s more than okay to even be attracted one body type or part more than another. I think God intended it this way, it’s really no sweat.

But for those who don’t know this - and it is obvious to me there truly are some, too many - Size Acceptance is either *the* most personal endeavor you will make if you are a person "of size" or one who loves such, or one of the few major highly personal endeavors of your lifetime. And you’ll know when you have it, Size Acceptance, when *you* possess it. You may kid yourself all you like, that as long as you "are loved and appreciated *here* - meaning any one of these closed in areas of SA participation, on or off line - that you have found it. The people in these environments tell you so. But your test to seeing the truth of your situation is to place yourself in the outer world - on a regular - as in daily - basis. Forevermore. And see what happens. Not so much what happens *to* you, the words said by others, the looks of approval or disapproval. How *you* handle what happens - good, or not so good. It covers dealing with your family, your love life, your friendships, your church experience if you belong to one, and your *ability* to make it in that *outer* world. In an *honorable* way that leaves you feeling you can hold your head up high - in *any* situation, *anywhere.*

Because if you can’t do it, I’m telling you the truth - you’re nowhere near having found Size Acceptance. Because you find it in yourself. And no one, nothing anyone says of any kind of derogatory nature can persuade you otherwise, if you truly have it.

I am not talking about the days or periods of time where women *or* men feel down about themselves. Less in self esteem than at other times. *Everyone* goes through this. The teeniest, tiniest, petite little ladies, to the slickest, most suave type dudes on the planet. Everyone. And more often than many here are willing to admit. Even for those in the most loving of relationships, no one owes you a life of selfless caring for you. An income that you’re not earning yourself, whether through work having to do with the outer world or your work within or on behalf of "the home." (The latter which will always be a fair exchange, no matter which gender does it.) No one owes taking care of you for the rest of your life, supposedly out of worship of you. No one owes it to you to beg on your behalf for any manner of thing or quality of treatment as an individual, in anything from health care to seat belt extenders on airplanes to wider aisles and so on. The government does not *owe* you disability payments. No one *owes* you a job. No one *owes* you a decent social life.

This all sounds pretty painful, I imagine - maybe downright mean to some. Yet I am not saying we do not live in a world of being thy brother’s (and sister’s) keeper. We very much live in that world. And we have to remember it more than forget it.

But what too many of us have witnessed with the "help" that NAAFA has given, is an increasingly disabled community. On every level imaginable. From a lack of the common social graces one should be able to expect to find anywhere or most anywhere, to a community filled up with a sense of unbelievable entitlement.

Which is *not* in any way to say, there is, should be no room for the real work to be done - much like that Elizabeth Fisher has been accomplishing almost single-handedly. That there should be no awareness raising within the greater communities informing them discrimination due to size is not only hurtful but ethically and morally wrong. That there is no room to press doctors and many medical and scientific professional persons to begin finally and rationally reasoning the causes for any type of fatness from the average to the more than supersize are as vast and varied as the individuals who walk this planet. That there is no room to make better social accommodations for an increasingly heavier population (there’s a *reason* beyond those being given that this is happening!).

I am not advocating the stoppage of any of this. I am a life long female "of size." And these matters affect me as much as any one of you.

But as long as organizations of *any* type exist that dilute the original principles of Size Acceptance to *their* satisfaction, or rather that of the persons in charge - and for less than noble reasons - no such progress will ever be made. As long as they obfuscate the truth with the biggest lie of all - it being that Size Acceptance is to be, can only be found primarily within its hallowed halls - the individuals responsible are *instrumental* in disabling people. And in my book, one of the most immoral things persons can do is to *knowingly* disable people - by being in major denial. About issues so personal to themselves, they can barely discuss it, let alone admit it.

I have been told, repeatedly, that the majority of NAAFAns are what the SA community calls midsize persons (forget the fact that the world sees persons 200 to 250 pounds - mostly women - as already being almost morbidly obese). That they just don’t "show up" at NAAFA events, or online. Why is that, should anybody wonder. But that’s been discussed repeatedly - the whys of it. What’s more important to note is that most persons who "show up" at NAAFA events or its boards are not only in the super size range but some easily considered by most to be well beyond. This is not a judgment call I’m making - bear with me.

What should that be telling the NAAFA *BOARD*???? Nothing but the fact *these* are the persons most in need of its original principles - at least to date. Because persons lesser in size simply don’t require what NAAFA has continued to "offer" for way too long. And I strongly believe that the persons most responsible for running it have lost touch - on purpose - with the world. They have their own major weight "issues" with which they have not dealt. Some are young enough to not yet have developed "problems" severe enough to begin to incapacitate them. Some…definitely have. And they have made their decisions as to how to deal with their lack of mobility.

And we must not kid ourselves. We’ve held discussions before about the threshold individuals cross with regard to that. Some can be well over 300lbs and be fully functional, but not many, not many. Many factors play into that, and age is one of them, as well as a life long set pattern of regular and vigorous movement. Throughout my own adult years, I pretty much stayed at about 225lbs. But nine years ago, year by year, without any change to diet or movement, slowly 75lbs "came upon" me. We now know medically to what that might have been due. Throughout this whole post any discussion of weight and size by me is *not* a moral judgment of others. Yet I can say, when I reached that peak weight, with a propensity toward arthritis and having had many back and knee injuries, I suddenly *felt* the weight. I was totally comfortable with my size, that was not the problem, nor my appearance. I didn’t like fighting more pain than I had to. In my case my weight just sort of drops radically sometimes in chunks of twenty or more lbs. But I know too many people beyond a certain size and with my own experience I can’t imagine the difficulty of a still larger size. Again, this is *not* a judgment. It’s caring.

The issue is not even about the *difference* - and there is one - between the person who has medical reasons for becoming disabled due to weight, and those becoming so by giving up. Yet, sadly, the latter types are the ones who are daring as recently as this last week to tell others *they* are the ones with attitudinal problems. I suggest any one of these persons to be without boyfriend or husband, or some other form of constant (emotional *or* financial) support of their very small world to "be out there," regularly - for about six months, minimum, preferably one year. I am not speaking of those who already are. (And I am well aware there is only one paid position within NAAFA.) Tell me, if most of you can get corporate jobs (if that is your field) or similarly comparable. Tell me if you can stand the routine of getting up in the morning and taking care of yourselves from dawn till night, and getting yourself to and fro for *all your own* errands and the like, and all concerns. No help available to you, as is the case with the greater majority of people in the world. And I’m just talking "free world, " here - not those third world where life can really be hell when you didn’t even ask for it. Tell me you have the ability to be a 24 hour/day caregiver to others if they require you, even for one week. Tell me - meaning - tell everyone if you can make it (within reason) "out there." No special favors from loved ones or society. No particular "special needs" accessories available to you. Because that’s the only way you’re going to convince any of us, anymore, you’re walking your talk.

Don’t tell me or anyone else who cares about the limited means for retaining what to you is mobility. Tell me if you can run for a train or bus or out of harm’s way if you have to, even once in a while, if your life depended on it, or for a child’s or other weaker individual's sake or for any such similar circumstance.

And if you can do some or all of this, then consider so many who are fast becoming unable to. Because if the only way you get about in your life is by the luxury of affordability, with regard to special needs devices, then you are telling all whom you’d ask to join you a lie. A lie. When you say *you* are so very happy and fulfilled, *you* choose not to be a simpering, whimpering mass of self pity. Take away the toys you rely on (and there’s no personal offense here, we all have our version of them), and then come back and tell any of us you still feel the same. Because if you can’t, shame on you, you don’t belong in the position(s) you’re holding. I don’t give a fig if it’s voluntary and you have to pay several thousand dollars to have "the honor" of said position(s).

No one is judging how you are attaining your comfort level of ability or capacity to move about your world. Not I for certain. This is not what this section of my post is about. But what I am seeing NAAFA do is one of the most selfish things I can think of within *any* organization that deems itself for the greater good of *all* people. In this case those fat. *All* fat people do *not* need what you’re trying to shove down their throats. And you are and have been attempting for too long now to do just that.

Someone said, recently, that most fat people are out and about living their lives. And I want to know what is *anyone* in this community going to do about the either open or subtle encouragement toward less and less mobility of increasing numbers of people, mostly women?! What?! I wish I could speak personally and privately with each one of them. Few of them realize what they are doing. It is not a matter, to me, of "right" or "wrong." I’m talking about nothing more but nothing *less* than truth or consequences. What you devote your life to you most definitely will sow. And if you aren’t prepared to take care of yourselves when the fun and games of one lover or other are over, you *will* be devastated. This would be true of a thin woman, if she did not care for herself. But in the case of increasing size, we must stop kidding ourselves. Somewhere there must be a more reasonable medium to the activity. No one says to deny what gives you pleasure, no one says to stop it completely. But we are talking about a form of addiction, here, that refuses to be acknowledged.

As long as *all* of this continues, the Size Acceptance movement as it now stands (or those who have been given or deemed themselves all powerful) may count chickens to eternity. But you’ll need - at some point - to face that proverbial music, it’s not going to get better for NAAFA, and most importantly, Size Acceptance will not be taken seriously. It simply will not happen. It will continue to be reserved for the garish talk shows. Which are only too content to portray every sorry stereotype imaginable.

And lastly, then, I will reference something I’ve said before. With regard to NAAFA’s name. Whether *any* of us like it or not, the world will continue - indefinitely - to frown on the meaning of this organization’s name. It’s the way it is. For each and every reason I’ve stated above, because NAAFA does *not* represent the average "overweight," fat person - man or woman.

At some point, good people - and I’m sure each person devoted to this considers him/herself to be so - reasonable people come to not continual impasses but progress. They choose to move forward in the very best ways possible. I have watched person after person, in the last week (though this is nothing new) be dissed to the point of almost seeming non existent in the eyes of the absolutely arrogant NAAFA Board members who have been posting. And arrogant for what good reason, I keep asking myself. Why - WHY - would intelligent women who do say they truly care about what happens to fat persons behave in such ways??? Unless the only interests they are serving - by not their own strong and capable egos, but ones so fragile none dare to listen to words of truth spoken by so very many - are interests so self serving it has become pathetic, absolutely pathetic for the most reasonable persons to witness. It’s an embarrassment to be even mildly associated with the whole NAAFA stance.

And I believe - rock bottom - that’s what’s going down. Total and complete self-serving interest stemming from personal size issues unresolved by people who for the most part have chosen to hide from the rest of the world. And please - may we make it clear we understand NAAFA’s "PR" person is all too happy to make public appearances.

No one owes this organization his or her loyalty as long as the governing body is free to dismiss individuals in the way we too often have seen and continue to see. No one need *ever* walk away believing s/he is betraying Size Acceptance. Size Acceptance, as NAAFA sees it, has betrayed *every* fat person in America, just about.

And that I am so incensed to see this continue with no end in site is one more reason I can’t use my energy too often in any (even much, *much* shorter) post. It has become pointless to question the party line. What’s happening is inexcusable. Utterly inexcusable at this point.

So that brings me toward the finish line. Because this area is so very personal to me, I won’t spend scads of space on it, here. Yet after the velocity of this last part (felt by many, I’m sure), how do I make that transition. Maybe by saying for those who have their doubts it really is quite the spiritual, metaphysical consideration for a person - man or woman - to at once be contemplative, mostly, but "give ‘em hell" if s/he truly feels the need. And I guess the above - I make no apologies - was an Amazonian Warrior Princess few minutes. End of explaining that.

I think that each of us are given a message at a very tender age. A message that will impact our lives for as long as we live them. It is a calling as to what, really, we are here to do. We find messages of many kinds, of course, come in all forms. But with a child like innocence we know without knowing how we know, what we are thinking, witnessing, feeling…when certain messages mean something very special to our lives.

Surely we receive messages about all sorts of our preferences from sexual to those seeming less important. But the one of which I speak really does point us in the direction we are to follow. Many of us forget, we are so pressured by first our parents, then others in authority all throughout our lives, to do just that. Because "the world" has its own agenda for its children, wherever they happen to be born. But some of us, many of us, actually, never forget. We are so at once in awe of what we discover and yet afraid (for by then we are already learning very well to "hide"), we find all manner of dissuading ourselves from what we once felt so strongly to be of the utmost importance to our very existence.

Yet even at the very early age, we have some undeniable sense of what, really - what circumstance, what kind of people, what sorts of thoughts and activities - makes us feel as if we are "home." Still, the luxury of freedom - of a knowing one has many interests, time, perhaps even some basic sense of money or more than the basic sense of it to pursue many things - can become its own burden. And the greatest deterrent - next to others’ expectations of us - to what we are here to do.

But life being magikal (which doesn’t always seem so magikal when it’s happening) has a way of drawing us back ‘round the original circle. It keeps reminding us we really do know why we, in particular, are here. We may discover these truths in joy, but most often we find them out through pain. For we keep running into walls whenever we’re doing something other than we’re supposed to be doing. Not all lessons are meant to be filled with pain. In fact I had a wonderful friend and mentor once, Louis, who basically said one can just as easily learn the lessons of love in joy as in pain. The choice is ours. I’ve come to see quite clearly what he meant, and that it applies to all life lessons.

I don’t want to bore anyone with bits and pieces of a life story, right now. I can say, I got the message at age five and took that diverted path because of so many *equal* interests - and then also because I had that famous wish, that unbelievable yearning to be normal, too. It has taken me this far in the journey to see that normalcy is relative. And this part of your cake you can have and eat. True you may give up people and things along the way, but you get to find you.

The time I’ve spent in this part of online community has been self revealing for so many reasons. And most of them good. Anything that teaches you something about yourself can only be good. Even if at some point you cannot devote yourself to it much, any more, or for some people at all.

I once remember dear Ruby posting to me with a suggestion to find my "niche." At the time, not out of any dislike or distrust, rather bewilderment, I wondered if I wasn’t "welcome" here. Which was not the case at all. And I have since then found - or returned - "home." The home of the heart. I must admit considering where I have so far ended up, in terms of my life’s passions, spirit or that which we could at least call that which can’t readily be measured has been patient with me. But at some point - at some point, you just know - you’ve got to make the final turn if you ever want to get there. There might be other surprises, other turns, but the big one awaits everyone.

Things have happened to me in my life so incredible I have a hard time talking about it to many people - usually this happens among only those I absolutely come to trust most. Yet, I have had my greatest surprises in finding that just when I thought I should have found people within specific environments who could say, yes they recognize the incidence, nothing of the sort happened. It often got to be a standing joke that I left people with their mouths open, after my "stories." But these occurrences have been unique and so unbelievably beautiful, if none should ever come again, I would die from happiness, now, for having had them.

And feet on the ground person I am, as much as one with her face to the stars, I went out of my way to make sure my own psyche (as psychologists determine such things) was in tact. Was sound. Steady.

Four years ago, I entered this arena with the best of intent. For I can’t deny, after all, my life long experience in a large body. So this will never "not" play another major role in my life. I have written before of how I, too, faced the worst kind of discrimination of all, that against myself, with regard to this. And I’m glad the powers that be, greater than myself and all others, have been patient with me. I don’t pretend to know what to call them. Especially that they are - well - physical, just in a different kind of way. I wish I could tell especially every man and woman "of size" you are *not* just your size. You must never make this the main focus of your life - ever. You will cheat yourself out of so much beauty available to you. The discovery of your true self.

That self may never look like mine - as it applies to my interests, the things I feel I have to do. But it doesn’t have to. Nor should it. Good Lord (if I may be permitted) whatever would we do if we were so alike? How would we provide for each other in the ways we are otherwise so capable of doing and come to expect of others? But to find out who you are, what you’re all about is a life long journey. An incredible, *incredible* journey, if you just pay attention. And even for those who can’t say of themselves they have spiritual leanings, if one can open him or herself up just to the awe inspiring beauty in the natural world, even in the skies (though not necessarily like me at all), one can walk forward time and time again, heartache after heartache, and resolve pain and bitterness. Turning into a more realistic memory what really happened each step along the way. Because you’ll know, even from the natural world, you are simply not alone. And you simply just learned another major lesson in life. It provided an opportunity to test your strength. Because one thing’s for certain. You’re here to do something special, to leave behind something to someone - one person, many people, any number in between - that says not just that you were here but why. To make it easier for them. Because others made it easier for you.

But I could go on and on about that stuff, so I won’t. I know this is "maximo" long. (grin) (And that’s if you’re still with me!)

I’ll simply start winding down by saying the journey, however incredible as its been, I’ve bucked much, because of that desire to be normal. And hence, then, the reason - even if it seems it doesn’t make total sense - my entrance to this world, quite some time ago, also as the author of this current post, StarFire. While of course I had my sister, Marcelline, as my constant companion.

I will not go about how two people (in sanity) can be one, how one can be two. But they can. And more do…than most suspect. And I just happened to be one of those. Neither name, then, has ever been used merely as an attempt at proxy or handle or any such thing. StarFire, in particular, really was incredible in coming, and most definitely has meaning behind the name. I cannot say if my entrance to this SA world as StarFire was before its time or not quite appropriate. There are some, totally outside of this realm - and I do mean realm - who might feel the latter. Though I’ve been long "forgiven."

I can say that if you should choose to consider at least some of this last part of this post, and seriously, then one day you will find every seemingly disappointing or even crazy thing you’ve poked your fingers in *will* make sense. Perfect sense. And you will find the choices for happiness were always right in front of you, with every step you took. What that might be for each person can only matter to that person. But it is a wonderful journey.

I don’t know for certain, I don’t think I’d put it this way, that this will be my last post. I know posts for me have to be far and few between for so many reasons. But this last part is one of them.

Before I forget I should thank anyone who’s taken the patience to make his or her way through this. Then thank others who’ve come to gradually trust me, and for the trust I’ve been able to gradually develop toward them.

Actually now, finally, might be a good note on which to end.

I can always be reached as Marcelline at the email addy most who need it have. For matters more esoteric, I can be reached at the email above, for now.

It is no easy task being two people in one and one in two. I just thought it was time to trust a community, in which I spent enough time, enough to set the record straight - whether most guessed or "knew" or knew via a small grapevine. I said to someone just yesterday, the story’s a long and in a lovely way (for me) complicated one. Maybe that’s why I have a proclivity toward some length. My life stories just never seem to be short and to the point.

So folks, perhaps I’ll pop in again. You can know me, now, as both and with certainty. But I do know this. I will be one more than the other. I’ve had to make that turn.

Take care of yourselves, won’t you? I'll be wishing all of you well. (And with that I hope I've made no more a faux pas than leaving poor Carol Hiller's last name in the Dimensions post as "check her last name" in parenthesis - never mind, never mind, it's just one of those days...) Do take care all.

Forever StarFire

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