General Board

The big question.....has it been worth it?

Posted By: Mendi Teats <menditeats@aol.com> (152.163.206.204)
Date: Sunday, 3 December 2000, at 12:27 a.m.

In Response To: Don't I always have an opinion??? (Vickie)

 

"I hate to bring Mendi's situation into this, and I hope she doesn't mind, but since Les did I feel like it's not totally out of line to mention her here. Mendi exhibited a lot of bravery and chutzpah to put herself out there in the way she has in the past. At a time when SA was pretty much a novelty (and I'm still amazed at how many people haven't heard of size acceptance *sigh*), she was out there, strutting her stuff. Something there is no WAY I would have had the bravery to do, and I'll venture that I'm not alone. However, and this is something she's shared with us, she still has a difficult time living down that "image". Many people, probably men in particular think of her as a sex goddess -- not a woman. I think that's the downside of presenting yourself in a highly sexual way -- that that becomes the ONLY way you're seen, hence the whole "slut" thing. So in that way I think she really paid for that male attention that she got; I can only hope -- and this is for her to say -- that it was worth it for her. "

Wow, that is a lot to think about Vickie. Has it been worth it? Well, some days I think it is all worth it. These are the days when women contact me telling me that they were impressed that a woman who represented women of their size stood up and said "fuck society, I can be beautiful at any size". The first woman who ever contacted me was a woman named Ruby from Kentucky (?) and she had seen me on the Rolanda show. She basically said that while she could not get up on stage and exude the flair that I had exuded, that it made her proud for the first time to be a BBW. She was proud of her body after watching that show. She was proud of me for giving her the "right" to be beautiful and her body to be accepted. She already had the "Right" to be whomever she wanted to be, but society had taken the realization of that right away from her and when she saw the show something sparked reality to her. Suddenly she felt as if she could look in the mirror and see someone worthy of sensuality, someone worthy of being loved, someone who could be just as sexy as any skinny chick out there. I did not make her beautiful, but because of my appearance she stood proud of her body and that kind of feedback is what I live for when I go on these shows.

It is that kind of letter that kept me doing the shows. It is that kind of letter that keeps me out there doing shows like Jenny Jones, even when I know how rough her shows can be on the big girls. It is that single letter saying, "They were trying to make us look bad and you made them think otherwise," that makes me continue to try. Do these shows always turn out good? Nope. I have failed miserably on some of them. I have walked away in tears after some of them.

I think that what works for me the most is going out there and being absolutely outrageous because people do not know how to respond quickly enough and when they finally have a comeback that works, the subject has changed and their comeback doesn't fit the situation anymore. Is everyone proud of my appearances when they see them? Do I make all BBWs proud? Nope. I cannot win them all, but if I win some then I have done my job.

Some of the letters are from men who are in shock because for the first time in their life, they saw a fat woman on television that turned them on. They don't understand it. They are confused by it. They just don't get it, and yet...the prejudices start to crumble. One person at a time.

Could I be turning some people off? I sure may be doing just that, but I have rarely had a bad e-mail about an appearance.

If the women who went on these shows were able to articulate that it is okay to be fat and beautiful, and not get all snively and whiney then perhaps the "Fat" shows might be a topic of the past. Why do the shows pick on fat women? Because typically our self esteem is low and typically we don't think we are beautiful, and typically we don't think we are justified in standing up for our "right" to be beautiful. Well, dammit, stand up, take charge of your beauty and tell the world that we are beautiful and we know it.

Vickie, I have seen a change happening in you over the last year. You went from vocalizing your distaste in your looks to starting to vocalize that you like how you look. When I finally saw a real photo of you, I was stunned by how pretty you are. I could not fathom why you would ever second guess your beauty. Is it years of being told we are not worthy? Is it years of self esteem abuse? Is it years of taking comments internally? It probably is. Society has sent us in downward spirals by pounding it into us that fat equals ugly. It is hard to consider our beauty when everyone around us tells us we are ugly. You start to believe what you hear if you hear it enough. It is hard not to believe it when it is pounded into us.

Take the mob mentality thought into consideration though for a moment. When a mob goes to work, it is difficult not to go with what they say. So lets make a fat and proud mob. It starts with a couple of us who are not willing to take the abuse anymore. It starts with a loudmouth who is willing to scream out to the world that we are beautiful. Dammit, I am screaming that I am beautiful. I am proud of my self no matter what my body size or shape. I am screaming out to the world that I love who I am. Sites like Abundance, magazines like BBW and Mode, scream out to the world that we are not going to accept being stereotyped as ugly any more.

The other side of my "fame" or whatever you want to term it, has been the sexual side, the men panting and masturbating to my photos, the nasty letters containing sexual stories of how they came to a certain photo. It is not always easy to deal with all of it. Some days I am disgusted. Some days I am amused. Some days I roll with it and think it is a turn on. At the moment I am okay with the side effects of the "fame", but there have been times when I really despise it because I feel like the photos out there are only jerk off material and not anything more. Sometimes I wish I had never gotten into this business because it gets me down and I do feel like just a piece of meat, but then I consider women like Ruby and keep on. Is a large portion of this just for the sexual pleasure of men? Yes...but there is that other part that is just there for the beauty of saying, "Hey world, I am fat and beautiful and proud". Little by little we (the fat girls) are taking over the mores of society and proving that we are beautiful, making it acceptable to be any size and be beautiful. Am I doing more good than bad by posing nude? I don't know. Day by day I formulate how I feel about it. Some days I feel beautiful and proud of my job, and other days I wish I never started in this career. The "fame" (God I hate that word) is not always fun. Some days I would love to just be left alone. Some days I just want to be a quiet little fly on the wall of life. Some days, I would love to turn on the computer and have no e-mail, and no IMs, and no sexuality, and no Web site, and nothing to do but chill out with a cup of coffee and a good Web site. Wake up and wonder what I would like to knit today. Wake up to a life of coffee clutches and craft shows. Then reality hits and I realize how absolutely bored I would be without the excitement my life brings me.

So, is it all worth it? Sometimes, but not always.

Mendi

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