General Discussion Board

Re: The Changing Face Of Abundance

Posted By: Kris <ChubbyChef2000@aol.com> (152.163.201.57)
Date: Monday, 15 May 2000, at 6:31 p.m.

In Response To: The Changing Face Of Abundance (Karen)

I think I will free associate in response to you, Karen - mainly because that is how my brain works.

I think change is key in all of this discussion. And in several ways. You correctly pointed out that nothing stays the same. I love that aout life.

But here's another aspect of change that I am mulling over.

Lots of us came here stiff necked. I did, for one. But over time there is a change that comes over a person as they start to open up to the possibilities that they can, indeed, be accepted and (dare I say it) loved.

Some of us came here understanding what we were entering: A community of people, who, warts and all, were doing the best we could.

we have learned so much about one another over the past year, why I can't even fathom it all. And for the most part each individual has followed a somewhat similar social path. Enter slowly, listen a while, try a post now and again, be a bit self-revelatory, then get more and more intimate until one has (again, dare I say it) "earned" the "right" to be completely candid.

It is a group dynamic, and I have seen it work many many times in all kinds of venues. One comes to an established group and follows a particular path to be accepted in that group. It seems to work.

Now it may be true that there are people who come to the same sort of place, like Abundance, and don't feel inclined to fit in, but rather feel it is incumbent upon the people and the place to adjust to their presence. They can sometimes be people whose needs have not been met in a variety of ways. I know from some of the things I learned about one or two of the recently departed that they have issues, much as we all do, but that they are in an earlier stage of working through those issues.

It's a painful phase, I remember it all too well. There is an inner crying out, a magnetic pull almost, which increases the intensity of a situation, which raises the stakes constantly, which makes ever-increasing demands on people and situations. It is a voice screaming for love and attention and acceptance. But it is a voice that is not yet ready to speak to itself.

When as incomplete beings with very significant unresolved issues, we enter an arena of people who have thus far successfully navigated the perils of self-acceptance, often we believe that we can rest, not work so hard on ourselves, and let others carry us. After all..they seem to be doing so well...surely they can take over for me.

The work is hard and scary when trying to be emotionally healthy, and there is a near-panic situation which can arise wherein the individual wants desperately NOT to do the work. Wants the environment to be safer. Wants the people IN that environment to do all the changing. Wants someone to see how much pain is in their heart, and make it all better.

And when that doesn't happen, the resentment and anger start to swell. "I came here expecting you guys to accept me as I am, I pounded you over the head with who I am, I showed you how wrong you were...why can't YOU learn?" And comparisons are made. "You treated her better than you did me. WHY? I am just as important....tell me that is true. Tell me I matter."

It is all about inner pain. And the sundry ways we need to escape the hurting.

What happens to folks in the early stages of healing is that they don't yet understand that no one else can do it for you. You have to grab yourself by the scruff of the neck and throw yourself into the middle of the fight for survival. And you have to be willing to get battered, bruised, and bloody in the process.

Now, one can spend a lifetime searching the internet or the real world (as if there is ANY difference) for a place or a group to fit in. Often we find something relatively close, but when we realize that everyone isn't stopping their world for us, we try to change the place to make it be what we need. We hammer and hammer other people with our opinions, our beliefs, all those things that we insist define us, but which really mask the real thing - the pain of not belonging.

Yes, I have mentioned the "arguing for the sake of arguing" issue a couple of times. Perhaps I put it badly. Perhaps a better way to put it was "arguing out of desperation". Because when someone continues to voice their opinion over and over again, when they won't let something rest, it always seems to me that it is because they have an inner need to control, to make everyone agree with them, so that they can feel valid. They aren't comforatble unless they are in a place where everyone is like them...so they are literally driven to persuade everyone that THEY are right, so the others can change and the environment become safe and comforting.

With a couple of exceptions, I think that perhaps some of this has happened with all those comings and goings in the past weeks. (As an aside, I believe the return of Wayne and Sandie is the result of both of them reaching a wonderful new level of personal growth and healing.)

But in other cases, there has been some horrible stuff going on. Opinions were stated, which is always good, but in such a fashion as to wreak havoc. And deep inside myself I can't help but believe that the stuff we have seen come down has been happening because people have unmet needs. And they thought those needs would be met here. We were dong so well here as a group, that it seemed obvious that we had some magic bullet, some special solution to the aching void of pain.

But we didn't mee those needs, because we couldn't. We can barely meet our own, and share a little of what we learned along the way. In the process of realizing that, or refusing to realize that, those who have been so angry have also become disappointed, pointed fingers of blame, and have gone away.

I can't believe I am ranting like this. I can't think of a nice dramatic ending, so I will just abruptly come to a halt and see if anyone has anything to add. I am SURE someone must - but I am NOT sure they have stayed awake this long ! LOL

Thanks for reading, those of you with strong eyes and a pure heart !

Kris

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