General Discussion Board
What i think other people think of me
Posted By: mindyloo <mindyloo@wayoutwesttours.com> (204.133.174.175)
Date: Friday, 7 April 2000, at 7:54 p.m.In Response To: Good points. But some Y's are a nightmare... (Les)
Just a comment on the sneers and jeers that you mentioned above Les.
I use to be crazy, totally insane, no real grasp on reality - honest.
You see, I had no self esteem, and the only source of self pride I had was tied to my possessions and intelligence. In college, I got worse and worse. I wasn't one of the rich kids, I commuted 30+ miles every day and worked at gas stations and petstores to finance my education. I was convinced that all those goody-two-shoes-rich-kids abhorred my very presence, because I didn't have as much money and power in my background. As I sunk deeper into these delusions, I became a bit heavier. I went from my High School graduation weight of 150 to 200 in little over a year. As I gained weight, I also became convinced of the nasty things people would say about my impoverished fat ass. I was certain of the conversations they had about me when I was beyond earshot. Sometimes I even heard them.I stopped talkiing to most people, I viewed the world with contempt for the hatred I knew they held for me. I turned for acceptance in drugs and alcohol. I made horrible choices that should have ruined my life. While drying out, I buried my self-hate in cheesecake and fritos. I gained another 50 pounds.
I finally learned that most of the hate I thought the world had for me was only in my clouded mind. It has been 9 years since my lowest point, and occassionally, I still see myself second guessing what strangers think of me and my appearance. I have had to struggle to beat down the demons that tell me I am loathed for simply breathing...And I win every time now that I know most of it is in my head, and the rest of the jerks that really do have the audacity to judge me on my external appearance can kiss my HAPPY fat ass.
I am still fat, I don't do death-diets as they are unhealthy. I moved to Moab 2 years ago and as I found a more active lifestyle, I lost some, but never all of it. When my job in Moab ended, I came back to Denver and my sedentary life. I regained all plus 10. I don't let it bother me though. I am many things but I am not my weight. I also know that when I get back home next year, my health will improve. Victoria, it is sooo true that you just can't go out for a walk in a big city!
I guess what I am trying to say through all of this, is simply that some of the discrimination which is preceived, doesn't really occur. I am certainly not dismissing all discrimination, I know it happens and I confront it when I encounter it. (Saying the word "FAT" to people is a great way to shock them - I guess they think I don't know I am fat.) But much of the discrimintation is a product of low self esteem and the internal demons that we all live with. The world will take at face value what and who we tell them we are, be it verbally or through subtle body language. Hold your head high and demand to be accepted and you may even be admired.
I can only hope that I continue to learn and grow in this world, and that I can continue to find acceptance and appreciation without judgement based on the size of my ass.
Sincerely,
mindyloo