General Discussion Board
Re: Dirty little secret.
Posted By: Kris <ChubbyChef2000@AOL.com> (205.188.193.52)
Date: Sunday, 27 February 2000, at 11:39 p.m.In Response To: Dirty little secret. (Mindy)
(Note: This post was made in response to a post I made about a big beautiful friend of mine. This friend has a boyfriend who treats her royally in every way but one: he won't take her anywhere because he is too embarassed to be seen with her in public. Here is Kris' eloquent response.)
My heart just breaks for your friend, Mindy. She must be so filled with self-loathing and self-hatred to feel that it is okay to be kept as this man's 'dirty little secret". Why else would she allow herself to be humiliated in this fashion?
I won't give this fellow too much of a break, although he may well be struggling with a lot of issues. But I believe he is using her.
A friend told me once that there are men in this world who are natural born predators. They have the ability to sense a wounded victim and they exert whatever time, effort, and money necessary to trap her. I sense that this man may be one of those predators.
I don't think your friend YET has the skills to ask this man to leave her life. Her protective shell, the one she has so carefully constructed, says "I am not worthy", but something inside me says that more than anything she is deeply afraid of being alone. She is taking a look at her life and wondering if for the years she has been given, there will be anyone at her side. Perhaps she is clinging to this man, as beastly as he is, because he seems to be her one and only chance not to go through the remainder of her days alone. And maybe she is willing to give up even her self-esteem for the chance that one day she may look across the room and see at the very least the form of a man.
How can we help her? I think we all know we can't. She has to make these hard choices out of her own truth and her own realizations. She has to get to the point that the pain of losing herself overshadows the fear of being alone. Because it seems to be that she has indeed lost herself if she is allowing this situation to continue. No gifts, no kind words, no alleged princess-like treatment are a substitute for the look of love and pride in companionship in that special man's eyes. That he says he is "working on it" is a cop out. He is stalling, because he knows her weakness, he knows that he CAN stall and she is so insecure that she will not turn him away.
How can your friend find her strength? She may not be able to do that for a long time. First, of course, she has to WANT to. Nothing can creat that desire except her own aching and bleeding heart.
I wish her luck. I wish her a moment in the mirror when she sees herself as she really is: Someone deserving of the best. Someone who IS the best.
Kris