General Discussion Board
I can't believe it!!!
Posted By: *tink* <tink42@msn.com> (63.15.26.110)
Date: Tuesday, 4 January 2000, at 12:04 a.m.I was thumbing through a catalog and came across a photo of two women. They were very tall and very thin in bikinis. The thought flashed through my head "how sad" and I studied their emaciated bodies with pity as if they were survivors of the death camps. Never in my entire life have I ever seen a thin model's body and thought of it in those terms!!! And that includes those "heroine junky types" that were popular recently. It truly startled me to realize what a transition had just taken place in me. I scrounged for other thin models to see if I experienced the same reaction, but I didn't. Nevertheless, it was a mental somersault for me.
I have hated my body and it's fat as long as I can remember. There has never been a time in my life I wasn't tall and fat. I have spent a great portion of my life with such self-loathing that sometimes not much has held me to this earth. As an elementary age child, before sleep, I would pray earnestly that someone would come in the night and stab me in the back so I wouldn't have to face another day of torment. So I always slept on my stomach as a child.
I never truly believed before coming here that any men preferred women of my shape. I would turn away from looking at anyone fat because it just reminded me of the failure I was as a person because I do not wear the "right" size clothing. And the humiliations heaped upon me by strangers who feel it's within their right to do so have made me (up until now) unable to accept complements of any physical attributes that relate to my size.
But with the sincerity of you people, and the photographic and pictorial visions of women here who can truly be lovely and also be large, I have been changing my perception about beauty. I watch the threads even though I may not have much to contribute for I learn much about what it is to accept myr body and reprogram myself not to expect automatic cutdowns and rejection based on my size. There's a whole lifetime of fear and damage bottled up in me and I naturally cringe expecting the worst as usual.
But George, Paul, Mike, and Les (the Abby Beatles) have worked some sort of magic on my psyche. The women here are great, too, but somehow to be able to trust the complements of the men as being sincere has changed my view of myself.
Even the term BBW now seems different to me. I saw it before as a verbal copout, a useless attempt to make others think we had value and that others could be blinded into thinking we were quasi-beautiful. I hated being a BBW because it just signified "too large for anyone to want so I'm warning you ahead of time just in case you could actually stomach the thought of me". Now, I like being a BBW, because I see value in it. I see the "beautiful" part as genuine beauty, not some wishful thinking or fooling anyone. And the "big" part isn't loaded with negative emotion any longer for me, just simply a fact, nothing more.
I have not stopped cringing on the street, but I have here, with you people. And when I look in the bathroom mirror, I no longer have a sinking, disgusting feeling about my body. I now look at it with a certain curiosity, as if I've never actually seen it before. Perhaps it's not self-love of my body yet, but the hate is melting away to nothingness and I am left with this curious neutrality.
Because you have opened my eyes to another way of seeing BBW, in my new relationship with a professed FA, I take his complements gracefully instead of with suspicion. He explained that in his culture, the women my size are prized and that with me on his arm he'd be the envy of the other men. In other words, I'd be the "baywatch babe"...LOL And before coming here, I would have been unable to understand or believe him.
I just wanted to thank everyone on this board for the love and encouragement and fun I've had so far here. I am truly growing as a person and learning to accept my body here-now-as it is, not punishing myself for something I will never be. Not hating the body I have to live within for now. It's only a temporary shell, after all.
Abby folks make me feel like I'm one of the prettiest and most prized shells on the beach. And I think I like being pretty and worthwhile for a change in life. I'll just kick back and contentedly watch the surf for awhile now as the sun sets...
Hey, could someone toss me a Mountain Dew from that cooler as you go by? If all there is left is diet sodas, just toss me a bottled water...Those diet things taste nasty...