General Discussion Board
Tina's tome...
Posted By: Tina
<boardmoderator@abundancemagazine.com>
(207.114.198.231)
Date: Thursday, 4 November 1999, at 10:01 p.m.
In Response To: I dont want to be noticed for my fat.....IMHO (Victoria)
Victoria, I'm sorry if this post is all over the map and a bit disorganized. I've had a very long and trying two days, but I feel it's important to answer your post. Hope you don't suffer through it, and that it's at least somewhat clear.
"I just want it natural to love fat women as well as thin. I just want women to be seen as women fat or not."
I don't blame you for wanting it as natural for a man to love a fat woman as it is for him to love a thin, or even painfully skinny one; however I think the last half of that is impossible. Totally impossible.
Every day we make judgements about everything, positive and negative, neutral but necessary, and many of them are subconscious. We sort, we categorize, we group, we describe. If you think about it, we were taught to do this even in kindergarten, when we were told to sort and match according to size, shape, color.
How often is a woman just a woman? Old woman, young woman, middle aged woman, fat woman, thin woman, beautiful woman, ugly woman, plain woman, glamourous woman, dowdy woman, short woman, tall woman, black woman, asian woman, white woman, latino woman, and on and on.
Now, put "man" after the descriptive. It's what we do as a people. It's normal. IMO, it's instinct.
"I dont think there is a reason for preference"
I heartily disagree. Our predisposition towards forming preferences were formed before the wheel. It's how we got here. If our ancestors wouldn't have had preferences for the fat woman who had hips wide for birthing (maybe they didn't know how babies were made, but they MUST have noticed that wider hips were better for having children), and who had the fat stores capable of providing energy when the larder was empty and the skinny ones were struggling to maintain their weight. Perhaps because of these things, she was also more sexually attractive to him. Or, maybe he just liked it:) This preference never went away, it just diminished. Now, we don't worry as much about famine, or a wider birth canal.
"I would even like a fat women to be chosen because shes got flowing red hair and a cool laugh just like a thin women really isnt assessed for her weight."
This statement might lead a person to feel you are less than secure with your size. I won't make assumptions, but the fact that you think it's okay for women to be chosen for other superficial reasons, but size is off limits, is odd to me. I could see if you feel that it's ALL superficial and therefore, a negative way to approach a person, then it would make more sense. I wouldn't agree with it, but I could understand it, in a way. YOu appear to be descriminating in a weird sort of way, know what I mean?
Thin women certainly ARE assessed for their weight. Personal ads the world over have something like this in them: "prefer your weight be proportionate to your height," or, "no taller than 5'6" and 135 lbs," and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
We, as a people, seek out beauty. If that were not so, people wouldn't have favorite colors, nice clothing, houses decorated in the style they prefer, and on and on.
Additionally, studies have been done on babies that show even they have a preference for 'beauty," i.e: a face with symmetrical features.
"We dont assess men on weight. Really fat men get noticed, but beyond that do we women even care all that much beyond health."
Boy, do they ever! Some women have left their husbands because they've gotten too fat. Ask most fat men how easy school was for them, or how easy it is to get a date, and you will hear some very familiar tales -- just from the opposite side of the fence. Women DO assess men on their weight, for the most part.
I happen to find a lot of body types and races attractive, so I'm more picky about personality attributes (though, a killer smile, with dimples, and pretty eyes will make my heart go pitter-patter every time), and there are some men who feel as I do, too. So, in that case, size doesn't matter. However, I STILL must be attracted to the guy. Attraction still figures in there.
"I dont want to be noticed for my fat, for me its a painful condition."
Victoria, what it really boils down to, I think, is your discomfort with your own fatness; as you said, "it's a painful condition." I think that in your pain you are not being completely logical, and definitely not realistic. Please don't take this as an insult, cuz you know I respect you.
Fact is, EVERY man but the homosexual and the admirer of truly painfully thin women, admires fat. Now some may only like it to be distributed in the buttocks and breasts, but make no mistake, even lovers of thin women are admiring their fat -- they just don't want it anywhere else.
"I want to be noticed for my hair---only intially, my smile, my spirit."
Some men don't like black hair, or long hair, but they might like a generous tum -- you can't legislate it, change it, or remove it. Chance is, that preference was formed early on, and many men don't even know what formed it -- they just might know the first time they were conscious of the fact that they found such and such attractive.
Additionally, it would be almost impossible for someone to be "initially" attracted to your spirit. In most cases, we don't really get to see that until we get to know the person better.
"I could lose 400-lbs tommorow and thered be no difference in my marriage."
I believe you, Victoria. There are many marriages like that, but you're talking a relationship, not initial attraction.
You aren't telling me that your husband didn't find you at all physically attractive when he met you, are you? Were you at all fat then? Was there nothing about your body he lusted after at all?
Victoria, you wanted to know what I think. What I think is that it is natural to have preferences about lots of things. A guys thighs, eyes, or smile, might initially attract me, but it's his personality, heart and spirit that will hold me or turn me away. That, to me, is natural and beautiful.
I see that we have a similarity and a difference regarding something:
To you your fat is painful, physically and, I gather, emotionally. It is understandable that if you feel this way, you wouldn't want a man to desire and admire that which hurts and perhaps even angers you. After all, you want to lose weight, right? If his desire hinges on your fat, then what happens when the fat goes, right? Not only that, but what is wrong with him that he could love something that causes you so much pain? Am I reaching too far here? I can't know what is in your mind, but I know what was in mine when I hated my fat.
To me, my fat is painful, too. Physically. It hurts me to walk or stand because of heel spurs (torn muscles), and achilles tendonitis.
My fat is no longer emotionally painful. That particular brand of Hell I don't wish on anyone, and I'm sorry you are going through it, Victoria.
I don't normally attach this pic to my posts, but I'm going to post it here now. No conceit intended, but I think my body has beautiful curves and form. My skin is soft, and the fat underneath makes it even more so. My size commands presence, and can work to my advantage sometimes (due ot society's prejudice, though, it mostly works against me socially), but I accept and love my size aesthetically, and even enjoy it.
I find the female form (and the male form), lovely. I'm not ashamed of my body or my fat (but, really, don't ask me a day or two before my period, cuz I hate EVERYTHING then!).
I can only speak for myself, but If a man is initially attracted to my large derierre, as some have been (*g*), then fine; could be, I'm checking out his, too.
Of course, we all know that that isn't all there is to attraction and love relationships, but it's a normal, and nice, start, IMO.
Hope I haven't offended anyone here.
Tina
