General Board

Sex with Married Men

Posted By: Tina
Date: Tuesday, 24 August 2004, at 6:07 p.m.

Mindy wrote:
That's the problem, tho. It sometimes *starts* as a sex only thingy, and evolves. We can't always dictate to our emotions, no matter how hard we try and no matter how utterly certain we are that we can.

And this is why I would not even date a married man, or a man in a committed relationship. You know this, though, Min, because we've had this discussion.

I'm not at all interested in casual sex; I did that in the 1970's. So for me, to have sex with a man I'd have to have feelings.

Some people think that it's only marriage that should be respected, but to me, any committed relationship is hands-off. After all, would I expect a man I was in love with, who had promised monogamy, to only honor that if we had a piece of paper and a ring? I don't think so. I know I wouldn't behave that way to someone I loved and was committed to.

I've often been attracted to men in relationships, but that doesn't mean I'd do anything about it. More recently, I've had the opportunity a couple of times to get involved with a married man -- one a couple of years ago. I really liked him a lot (still do), but when it looked like things were at that axis point where it could turn serious (as in serious sex, maybe), or just fizzle, I turned him down. He was in an unhappy marriage and had a teen still at home, and was not interested in leaving his wife (which I would not ask him, or anyone, to do in any case). I bowed out of that, because:

First, I don't want to add to anyone's pain. While I agree that the responsibility for a marriage (or relationship), does go to those with the relationship, I have no desire to insert myself into something that might well heal *without* me, or that might destruct quicker *with* me.

I agree that one person cannot be stolen from another, but they can provide the impetus, to a person considering ending the relationship but who isn't sure, to toss it away. I don't want that. I'd rather have someone who is already free and clear, and emotionally available. IMO, someone in a committed relationship is not emotionally available or they wouldn't be *in* the relationship. I don't want to be that kind of distraction to what could possibly just be a hiccup in the relationship.

Second, if I were to break my own 'code' and start dating a man in a relationship, and I started loving him, and he *does* leave his partner for me, what the hell kind of booby prize did I just win? Some guy who will have no compunctions about turning around and doing the same to me if things get rough (and things getting rough at some point or another in all long-term relationships), rather than see if it happens to be a transitory phase or the beginning of the end.

And I do not care how attracted I am to the man, how wonderful he is -- whatever. That goes out the window when he's in a relationship. I might be wistful when I turn him down, but turn him down I will. And have.
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