Warning, kind of intense.

Posted By: Barbi <BarbiJean8@aol.com> (12.13.116.111)
Date: Wednesday, 6 October 1999, at 3:14 p.m.

In Response To: Today's topic: fear. (Mindy)

I'm afraid of the unknown, so, everything I guess. lol

Seriously, I'm a part time EMT and there are lots of things that frighten me, like will I do the right thing and make the right decisions? I'm afraid that I might miss something and not give the patient the correct care. I have had lots of people tell me they couldn't do what I do because of those same fears, but I feel empowered by my training and knowledge. When called to the scene of a car wreck or a cardiac arrest I am afraid for about 10 seconds..... and then I go into "fix" mode, start preparing the equipment that I think I will need at the scene, and that drives the fear down.... until the call is over anyway, and then, even when I realize that there was something else I should have done, or done something in a different order, it is a good learning experience. I'm left with a sense that I did the best I could do and next time I'll do even better.

There have been events where I was the only one at the scene with any kind of training at all, it was terribly frightening. One two car wreck happened right outside my father's country home very late at night this last July. I called 911 and went to the scene, there were 10 passengers between the two vehicles, and four bystanders besides me, the other bystanders were doing just that, standing and watching (it's something that happens frequently, bystanders are afraid to be involved and although they can offer help, fear freezes them). As I ran to the first vehicle I was thinking, "Dear God, I can't do this, I can't be in charge of this, I don't want to be responsible for these people." And I almost stopped and watched like everyone else.

But then I reached the first car, inside, at the drivers seat, was a sixteen year old girl, and she was crushed. I took her carotid pulse, there was none, I checked it again, not there. I remember freezing in my tracks, "Oh noooo!" In my mind I saw a policeman knocking on the door of a home, inside the lights come on, and a man, sleep in his eyes with a yawning wife standing slightly behind him answers the door. The police officer tells them their daughter won't be coming home again, and wails of grief answer him.

I got MAD, I was SO mad, I turned and went to the other vehicle determined that I would do whatever I could to make sure no one else had a visit from the police that night, I started yelling at bystanders to help with this and go do that, there were 8 passengers in the van that had struck the car, I triaged them, providing care for those that needed it, had bystanders hold c-spine control and apply cover and pressure to wounds. When the local ambulance crews arrived I was able to tell them who needed immediate transport, what their probable injuries were, and who could probably ride in a police car. When they had all left the scene I went home, lying in my bed, listening as the firemen used the jaws of life to remove the girl from her car, and I cried.

I'm still scared, I still worry that I will make a mistake, that I will have to make those kinds of decisions again, I don't want to have to do it, but I will.

Barbi

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